


Staying Alive

by D_f_m22



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 18:09:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20451374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_f_m22/pseuds/D_f_m22
Summary: The Doctor takes Missy to a training course.The results are as expected.





	Staying Alive

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I'm asked to sit through to staff training.

“Boring,” Missy sang as she threw her head back and eyed the meagre offerings of a working buffet. As she surveyed the drab conference room that was nestled away in one of Bristol University’s more modern buildings, Missy’s hand curled around her cup and she took a noisy slurp of her drink. “This is so boring.”

“Shh,” the Doctor warned as he joined Missy by the buffet table. He had watched from afar as she’d _subtly_ examined the projector wires. “You’ll draw attention to yourself.”

“I like drawing attention to myself,” Missy hummed, fluttering her eyebrows with no embarrassment. “It brightens everyone else’s day up too.”

“Not mine it doesn’t,” the Doctor growled as he cast his eyes into the depths of her drink. “That better be de-caff tea.”

“Tea!” Missy gasped, outraged by the very notion. “My dear, it’s a double espresso. I can just feel myself starting to buzz like the busiest of bumble bees. Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz all around my ginormous brain. A girl’s got to enjoy some forbidden fruits while she’s on day release and seen as though you ruined our day out I think I’ll help myself to another one.”

“No you won’t,” the Doctor hissed as he reached for Missy’s wrist and pulled her back. “Water and fruit tea for the rest of the day.”

Missy’s grin grew wide and her eyes brightened in the way they usually did when she was on the cusp of doing something spectacularly infuriating.

“Yogi-tastic. Is that your subtle way of asking to see my downward dog again?” Missy asked, arms already stretched far above her head as she limbered up in preparation. “You know, you only ever need ask.”

“Behave, Missy,” the Doctor hissed as he pulled the Time Lady in close. “You know I could have just left you in the Tardis.”

“An improvement on the Vault, I suppose,” Missy conceded. “But---”

Three loud claps interrupted Missy’s rant before it could go any further and the two Time Lords turned their attentions towards the middle of the room where a middle aged woman demanded the attention of the collected university staff- and Missy. 

“Right, thank you for coming in today everyone,” the woman said in a tight professional greeting. “I know these training days aren’t fun but we have to do them.”

“I don’t,” Missy sang as she rocked back on her heels and let out a low whistle. “I had no say in this.”

The woman let out a sanitised business laugh at Missy.

“Yes, well maybe not on a personal level but your workplace requires you to complete this training. Which department are you from?”

“Department?” Missy questioned, looking back at the Doctor as her lips curled into a mischievous curl. “Well, let’s see, which department am I in today…?”

“She’s a visiting lecturer from Glasgow,” the Doctor answered before Missy could make up a ridiculous backstory. “The universities agreed that she could train here before summer is over.”

“I see,” the trainer nodded. “Well, if we could all take our seats and take this a little more seriously…”

“In my experience, being serious never worked out well for anyone in the long run…” Missy drawled with a shrug. “Jest has a much better longevity.”

The woman sighed in exasperation and looked to the Doctor- who she’d seen as the voice of reason- for support.

“I actually agree with her on that one.”

XXXXXXXX

“Now as a first aider, we are primarily concerned with the three Ps,” the trainer explained as she turned to the white board and began to write it down. “Who knows what they stand for?”

Missy raised her hand instantly and made an exaggerated show of knowing the answer. The trainer looked around the room desperately, searching for any alternative volunteer. The Doctor reached for Missy’s hand and pulled it down.

“Take the hint, Missy,” he hissed. “Just for once, can you be the quiet one in the corner?”

Missy shot the Doctor a look as though he had just said the most ludicrous thing in the world.

“Right, if no one knows,” the trainer continued, taking her chance while Missy was distracted. “They are to preserve life, prevent further injury and promote recovery.”

“Wrong,” Missy said with a pop of her lips. “I think you’ve got a wee bit muddled, doll. In my experience, it’s better to prevent life and promote further injury. Always worked for me.”

“Missy,” the Doctor hissed again. “Your jokes aren’t funny.”

“But I wasn’t joking…”

“Right, I think its time for a break. Grab a coffee and meet back here in ten minutes.”

XXXXXXXX

“Oh my,” Missy exclaimed as she draped her arm over her forehead and swayed on her feet. “I am feeling awfully faint.”

“I really only wanted a volunteer to put in the recovery position…”

Missy stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face the trainer. Chest puffed out, the Doctor rolled his eyes as he prepared for the inevitable rant.

“Well excuse you,” Missy tutted. “You should be thanking me, I’m giving you context to my sudden injury. That’s a first aider’s wet dream!”

“Don’t be so crude, Missy,” the Doctor warned. “Just lay on the floor on your back.”

“Now who’s being crude,” Missy teased with a wink.

Before the Doctor had the chance to reply, Missy had dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes. Legs sprawled in either direction as her head flopped to the side. As an extra measure, she engaged her respiratory bypass. Humans always reacted brilliantly when she stopped breathing. The Doctor rolled his eyes and watched Missy tiredly. She had more experience playing dead than the Eastern Hognose Snake. The rest of the room crowded around Missy in a mixture of concern and curiosity.

“Is… Is she okay?” The trainer asked, having not heard Missy remain this quiet for a long time. “She’s not breathing.”

As the trainer leaned down, Missy peered one eye open.

“Is that how you’d react in an emergency?” Missy asked. “You’re not very good at this first aid lark. Is anyone going to put me in the recovery position?”

XXXXXXXX

“This is Recovery Annie,” the trainer introduced as she placed the dummy in the middle of the floor. “We’re going to practice CPR on her. So, the first thing we do as we walk in- after checking for danger- is ask ‘Annie are you okay?’”

“You okay, you okay Annie? Annie are you okay—” 

“Very funny, Missy,” the trainer sighed. “If a little unoriginal…”

Missy raised her hand to her chest and sighed in mock offence.

“That is the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me. Doctor, defend my honour!”

“What honour’s that, Missy?” The Doctor replied with a smirk. “Any honour you had was lost years ago.”

For the first time that day, the course trainer let out a genuine laugh.

“Back to the task at hand, and sticking to the musical theme, does anyone what song we can use to help us when delivering CPR?”

“The End? Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door? Stairway to Heaven? Or better still, Highway to Hell?” Missy suggested.

“No,” the Trainer said tightly. “Its Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.”

“So close,” Missy sighed as she peered down to get a closer look at the resuscitation dummy. “Oh I recognise her! C’est l’inconnue de la Seine,” Missy drawled in a bad French accent. “I met her the night before she died. Don’t look at me like that, Thete. You always look at me like that when I say I was that near in space and time to someone that was about to die.”

“I wonder why!” The Doctor shot back. “Its usually suspicious. Although not on this occasion, she was a fixed point in time. Her death leads to millions being saved.”

The trainer looked at Missy and the Doctor in confusion, but knowing that lunch was close, brushed over it.

“Okay, I need a volunteer…”

“Me!” Missy responded enthusiastically. “Oh, please choose me, Miss!”

Given that the activity involved Missy having her mouth covered for a time as she did mouth to mouth, the trainer didn’t protest.

XXXXXXX

After lunch, the trainer had moved onto what to do in the case of cardiac arrest.

“So, this is the heart…”

“That’s your heart,” Missy exclaimed. “Where’s the other one? Dearie me, you’d be past first aid if I found you in that state.”

“Missy, they’re human,” the Doctor reminded in a hushed whisper.

“Oh right, yep, definitely past first aid then.”

“Okay,” the trainer said. “We really are nearly there, so if we could just try to stay on topic for the last half an hour…”

XXXXXXXX

By way of an apology for Missy’s wayward behaviour during the training session, the Doctor stayed behind and helped to tidy up. Nardole had arrived to escort Missy back to the Tardis and he was nearly certain that even she couldn’t cause any trouble on such a short journey.

“I’m sorry about Missy,” the Doctor offered. “She can be a bit…enthusiastic at times.”

The trainer chuckled and shook her head.

“She’s something,” she agreed. “Seriously, though, has your friend ever considered getting some Ritalin prescribed? I’ve seen five -year olds on Christmas Eve sit stiller than her.”

The Doctor went to answer but was interrupted by an almighty crash and accompanying screech. The Doctor poked his head around the door, followed by the trainer. They both watched curiously as took in the sight of Missy clutching her ankle while Nardole looked on sagely.

“I told you not to slide down the banister,” Nardole clucked. “It was bound to happen.”

The Doctor looked back at the trainer and shrugged.

“You might be on to something.”

Missy looked up at the Doctor and human.

“Well don’t just gawp,” Missy hissed. “Who knows first aid?” 


End file.
